Mary and me, Part 15

Not good enough

Having one of those nights again. Woke up at midnight and could not get to sleep anymore. Needed another start in writing.

This time I ripped all the written pages of my note book and wrote it all again. How stupid one can get – to cut his fingernails too short or do my fingers ache because of the writing, I do not know.

Was not satisfied. It did get little bit better, but not good enough. I do not think it ever will be. Well, now it is half past seven in the morning. Been writing, smoking and drinking coffee from midnight.

Yesterday I said about these texts that I feel like I'm dancing on a thin ice, which does not even exist. Will the imaginary ice break soon? Luckily Mary likes swimming, but do I? Am I too shy? Will the water down there be too cold? I maybe yellow. She likes yellow, the color I mean. Good for her...

Yesterday I was irritated. But not because of Mary. It was one of those days, when you feel in advance that something will go wrong. You just do not know what it is and then you start to wait for it.

We had agreed with Mary that she will spend the night with me at my place. When I started to feel that something will go wrong I called her to ask if I could get to hers instead.

She said we can talk about it later. Meanwhile I went for my writing course just to find out it was canceled. I called her again to say that she is welcome to mine. She did not feel too good about this going back and forth and I had started to feel irritated as well. We decided not to stay together that night.