Mary and me, Part 13

In or out?

I do not mind if none of this will be published. By writing I have had some clearer thoughts and it has been really good company for me. Some of my friends have liked these texts too. I do not know if it is because they know me and that they almost every time have some interest in what I do. Sometimes writing is good, other time not so good. I think this is the last one. Starts to sound desperate in a way.

Well, Mr. Melancholy is my friend. In this country I have had a license to be sad. It is easy to get depressed, but difficult to get out of there. I think it is no use to get as crazy as the world around you. But if you do not fit well enough, you are out. Who wants to be in?

An anarchist, Mary said, I am. Does she want me to fit in? If so, I do too. But in my own way. It makes a big difference for me. "Have you ever had a feeling that the world has left you behind? Have you ever had a feeling that the world has left you behind? Have you ever had a feeling that you are losing your mind?", Sting was singing in a movie called Leaving Las Vegas.

Mary and me, Part 12

Advice

Some time ago I took a sleeping pill, but I still can not sleep. These texts go round and round in my head. It is 03.03. The time, not the day. Reminded me of Mary´s birthday. It will be on the 9th of March. I asked Mary, if I may save money and buy her a silver cross she likes. She said no. I may have to use some blackmailing, bribing and threatening before she says yes.

I also asked if I may get a picture of us framed for her, but she refused. Anyway it is good, one can say her opinion. And I do not want to hurt her in any way. But maybe we can discuss some things a bit more in the future. Might it be a different present and a different picture? I think I will try it later on.

I am writing this in candle light and my eyes seem to get a bit blurry, maybe because of the pill. It is half past 3 in the morning. Can not even see the letters too well. Well tomorrow I will be writing these texts again and again. I am not sure if it makes them better, but I think it makes me better. I am still just studying writing and I hope I never will be ready.

There was a young lad who wrote a lot. His father gave him an advice: 'Do not publish anything before the age of fifty.' The young lad never became a writer.

Mary and me, Part 11

Funny thing or not

I have written ten of these short stories so far. This one is the eleventh. On radio they are singing that love hurts. Has not hurt me yet. I have had a great time all the time so far.

In the next song there is a verse: ' I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden.' Too tautological - changed for classical again. There was Jean Sibelius on the air.

Funny thing between Mary and me. Mary does not laugh at my jokes. I feel it is funny. She does not. But in one thing we agree and that is that I really am crazy.

Yes, yes... my favorite is on. Mozart. The one I call a genius. Probably the best there ever was. She likes Bach. We are different, but we have a lot in common too, I think. Mary and me, I mean. She thinks I have a nice bottom, I agree. I do not just agree, but I also think she has a great one too. One example to mention.

It is almost 2 am. Changed the radio channel again. Some Finnish pop now. Eppu Normaali: Uraani halkeaa. I am writing at her place in candle light while she is asleep. Had a look at her. She is a real beauty. Exactly my taste. Yes, she tastes good too.

Mary and me, Part 10

The way we are

On the air a dj is having a flu. Sexy voice I would say but he is a man. Norppa. He put a record on where they sing: 'At the age of eight I knew that the world will be destroyed in a duel of super powers.' Freelancers do not get sick, he said. Would it be a good reason to become a freelancer?

Norppa is putting on bands whose names start with letter U. Now it is time for U2. I hope everyone will find what they are looking for. Except the ones who just want to have a look. I had a look at the bed. Mary is sleeping on it. I think I have found what I have been looking for.

Rarely do I envy other people. But there was a friend of mine, Jorge, who saw U2 in a club in Dublin before they were huge. Another who I envy is Sean Connery, not because of the looks, but because of the voice. I have heard he has a tattoo Scotland forever, but is married to a Spanish lady and lives in Spain on an island.

Lit a red candle, which I have brought to Mary's. Mary wears red beautifully. But now she is naked under a red blanket. She has a two times larger bed than I do.

Last time when we were at mine, I slept on the floor, because I didn't wanna wake her up, when I came to sleep. In the morning she left without waking me up, because she knew I needed some more sleep. That is the way we are.

Mary and me, Part 9

Foreign style

She is artistic in many ways. I think Mary has some French style. She has been living and studying in Paris earlier. I may have some German style. A need to have things in order maybe. I used to live in Germany and in Switzerland. She plays the flute, I play chess.

I admire Garri Kasparov, former chess world champion. He is involved in Russian politics. He has been arrested several times lately. Putinmania I would call the political order in Russian
right now. I do hope things will be ok internationally, internally and especially in my relationship to Mary.

Just today we were talking with Mary about our possible wedding. A modest wedding we both would hope. Her 40th birthday will be next year. Maybe that will be the time to do something about it, who knows? We both want to have some children some time, but one could be adopted as well. In God we trust. Sounds funny, because of the US politics. In money they seem to trust.

I think I could be happy with her anywhere in Europe. This year will be time in Helsinki. Next year, we shall see about it... We both have been moving quite many times in our lives, but I think we both feel like Helsinki is our hometown right now. Although we have some foreign styles, we definitely are Finnish.

Maybe I write this in English to get some distance to things which are so intimate. It would be more difficult to write in my own language.

Mary and me, Part 8

No place like home

Went to get some more cigarettes. I am at her place. She is asleep. We have been together seven days now.

It is ten thirty pm. I am drinking coffee and listening to music. And writing.

It is raining out there. Today while she was watching TV I went for a walk. Nice shops, where she lives. I do not know if I was window shopping or not. Maybe not. Did not buy any kind of a window.

Commercials. Stupid commercials. Luckily it was a short break. Roy Orbison is not singing for the lonely. Some lousy boy band is singing about love. A better one now: 'Penny on a track.' But not good enough. I put some classical on. Now it is better music.

Looking at a photo, which was taken on my birthday. Mary and me. Both smiling at my place. I do not feel any place is my home right now. Maybe in the future Mary and I will have a home together. That will take some time.

The other day she said she wants to become a mother. Her goddaughter, Anna, is in 9th grade. My godson is 14 years of age. Maybe they would make a good couple too. Just a thought. Eleven-o-seven.

Mary and me, Part 7

Independence

It was independence day yesterday. My independence is gone. I'm in love. I want to be by her side.

Yesterday Finland celebrated her 90th independence day. Some say Finland's independence is gone too. When there was a historical election for joining the European Union, I was working abroad. Sometimes it is better to give something to achieve more.

It is almost Christmas time. I am Mary's present and she is mine. I think we both want to give to each other to achieve more. I don't know about her independence, but I gave some of mine away when we became a couple. And I am happy for it.

I´ve made my choice and I feel good about it. A lot needs to be done in this relationship to make it last, but that's the way it is. Some things also need not to be done. I think I´m better in not doing rather than in doing.

Sometimes when you do, it's too much. Other times when you do less, it's not enough. I hope this relationship is a way to do things right. Neither too much, nor too little, but enough. I might be better in giving rather than in taking. I hope that is the way I am. Mary might have another point of view.

Mary and me, Part 6

Birthday

Now I am ready to tell you about my 36th birthday. At Windows Live Space I had a virtual birthday for some of my closest. My godson Walter and my best friend Aura were invited.

Half a year earlier I had made a plan that before the end of the year I would have a good relationship. In summer I had met Mary, but I wasn´t sure if she would take me.

By the end of November I had been in touch with her so much that I could invite her as the only guest at my place on my birthday. Earlier I had bought some roses. First yellow one, then white and finally a red one.

We were good friends, but we didn't know if it would be something more. On my birthday I prepared a meal for Mary. We had some spaghetti with creamy sauce of chicken. For dessert I baked lots of peach-vanilla-pastries, which were served with coffee.

While we were standing in my living room after the dessert, she said: 'I need some tenderness.' I asked if she would come to my sofa to sit with me. There we were sitting and holding each other´s hands, when I asked if she will be my partner. She said yes and made me the happiest man in the world.

And then we kissed...

With love,

Jim

Mary and me, Part 5

Sleepless in Helsinki

Walked some snowy streets of Helsinki at night when I couldn't get to sleep. I'll feel tired tomorrow. I hope my rhythm ain't gone too badly.

Radio gives me good company. Coffee and cigarettes satisfaction. I'm missing her. It is now twenty to five in the morning and it was yesterday about seven pm when I last saw her. That makes less than ten hours and I miss her so. I hope she is sleeping well. Nice dreams, my darling! And good morning whenever you wake up.

Checked my calendar, it was the 24th of October, when I got her phone number and she got mine.

Start to feel now so exhausted and shaky, I can't even write too well any more. Classy text this must be. Gonna make some more coffee. Out of sugar, but luckily some milk left.

Great music now: Led Zeppelin, the Mothership is here. Just a minute ago a cover of Jimi Hendrix's 'And the wind cries Mary'. Could not get any better. The music, I mean, not me, definitely not me.

Five o'clock. Put some classical music on and the coffee machine is talking on the background. 3 more hours and day will start. Hope I can make it a whole Thursday without sleep. On Friday I will sleep. And Saturday it´s party time. Without alcohol of course.